Doctor's Orders

The scale in my doctor's office is an outright liar.  Either that or the nurse was putting her foot on it behind my back.  I am thirty-one times heavier than my lowest weight.  So if you know how much I weighed at birth, then you can figure out my current weight.  I am not going to reveal my current poundage.

The doctor has had me take several tests.  The ultra-sound test claims I have a cyst on my kidney.  I ask if this is bad, but the doctor says I need to be further tested to find out.  So I have to go next week for more testing.  In college I always did well on tests.  Those tests did not rub jellies and instruments on my belly or stab my arms with needles to drain my blood supply or inject radiation into me.  They also want to stick a Polaroid or some sort of camera up my ass.  Haven't had the photos done yet and I am not looking forward to it.  I wonder if they will give me wallet-sized pictures to hand out to my friends and relatives?

My blood pressure was up and I was prescribed pills to lower it.  This I do not mind.  Here's something you should never ask your doctor when you are told you have high blood pressure:  "Can you prescribe some morphine to lower it down?"  Well, hey, what do I know?  I thought morphine would slow everything down, my blood pressure, my balding,  my aging.  It might even make me drive at slower rate.  Less chance for an accident.  But no, you have to be in excruciating pain to get morphine and I started saying "OW" way too late for the doctor to believe that one.

I seen a web site where crack addicts had before and after pictures taken over a short period. These were people in their twenties that looked ready for social security.  Crack ages people incredibly fast.   Since morphine is the exact opposite of crack, wouldn't people live longer and stay young if they used morphine on a regular basis?   Just a thought.

The doctor also wants me to diet?  At first, when I heard that I should dye it, I asked if the doctor meant my hair?  No, no, no, I have to change my eating habits.  I have to swap my Big Macs and Whoppers and pizzas for fruits and vegetables and grains.  I asked about chicken and was told to boil it.  That seems like it would ruin the coating, but I'll give it try.  I'll get a bucket from KFC and plop it into boiling water. It better still taste good.

The reason for the diet is to lose weight.  I had asked the doctor about cereal.  I said I like to eat Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Special K.   Doc said those were fine.  Yay.   Special K advertises that if you eat a serving for breakfast and lunch, you can lose six pounds in two weeks.  Well, six pounds doesn't seem like much to me.  I plan to eat three servings each for breakfast and lunch.  That way I will lose eighteen pounds.  I'll still have to suffer through my dinner of boiled extra-crispy KFC, but it should be worth it in the end.  I will keep you appraised.