Alice Roo

I have always liked kangaroos. I like watching them jump around. I like movies where they box humans. They usually cheat doing this by balancing on their tails and kicking their opponent. I wouldn't penalize the roo for this, after all its the human idiot that got in the ring to fight a marsupial, he deserves what he gets.

Kangaroos are also cute in the face. They have an innocent look about them, a certain pet-like quality that I find appealing, along with a slightly puzzled expression. They look like they are trying to find the humor in a joke that was just told to them. Or perhaps they are trying to keep a straight face after pulling a prank. Its hard to judge a kangaroo's expression. Maybe that is why so many people have tried to box them; man misreads the roo's face and thinks the animal beatable. They are not. That is unless a gun is involved.

There is a movie called "Australia" wherein Nicole Kidman is being driven across the outback by Hugh Jackman and his fellow Aussies. She is fresh to down under from England. A kangaroo is keeping alongside their truck, hopping at a fast pace. Nicole comments how beautiful the creature is a moment before the poor roo is shot dead by one of the men on the truck. Quite shocking, disgusting, and funny all at the same time. Apparently, kangaroos are thought of as pests in Australia.

Another movie that features kangaroos is "Kangaroo Jack." This time a kangaroo, thought to be dead, is dressed in a windbreaker, baseball cap and sunglasses, and used as a prop for a photo shoot. The animal is not dead. He comes to, kicks the humans that are manhandling him, and hops off. He loses the cap and glasses right away, but the rest of the movie he is wearing the windbreaker. (The plot of the flick is trying retrieve the windbreaker which has gangster money in the pockets.) The humans in this comedy are only fair actors, but the kangaroo's performance is outstanding.

There is also a "Beverly Hillbillies" episode that has Granny Clampet mistake a kangaroo for a giant mouse. She believes her eyes are playing tricks on her and goes straight to the moonshine (for medicinal purposes only). This is not the only time kangaroos are mistaken as mice. Warner Brothers has several cartoons with Bugs Bunny, Speedy Gonzales, and others being mystified by a giant hopping mouse.

It is because of the various media attention to kangaroos that finds me longing to own one. I would like to have one in the back yard and teach it tricks (of course I would have to make my fences higher). I have a small dog so the kangaroo could carry her around in it's pouch. I think Roxy would like that. Roxy is my dog's name. Yes, I could throw a stick, Roxy would jump in the roo's pouch, the roo (I think I'll name her Alice) will hop across the yard to the stick, Roxy will jump out of the pouch, fetch the stick, jump back in, and Alice would hop back to me with Roxy and the stick. I'll have to find some kangaroo treats to reward Alice. Roxy will probably enjoy kangaroo treats also. Roxy enjoys just about anything that isn't dog food. I wonder if Purina makes "Kangaroo Chow."

I would also teach Alice to use a trampoline. Imagine how high that marsupial will bounce. Neighbors several blocks away will be able to see my kangaroo bouncing high above the tree line. Perhaps I can rig a harness to Alice and sell tickets for children to ride her up to the clouds and back down. I would like to sell rides to everyone but being realistic, Alice wouldn't be able to handle over fifty pounds, so that means only small children and tiny midgets could go for a ride. Five dollars for five bounces. That seems like a fair price. I would have to have the parents sign a waiver so they couldn't sue me if their children got hurt. You never know when some tyke will squirm out of the harness while in a cloud. If the "kangaroo trampoline bounce" catches on, I would buy additional kangaroos and trampolines. I would then lease the additional ones to other entrepreneurs in other cities. I can see the greenbacks stacking up already...

Stacks so high that even Alice can't top...