Being a Smart Ass

I answered one of those ads that says "add size to that certain part of the male body" and now the big toe on my left foot is 8 inches long. I can no longer put a shoe on that foot. Another time I tried a viagra and got it caught in my throat. I walked around all day with a stiff neck.

buh-DUM-buh


I would love to be a stand-up comic. Unfortunately I have a fear of addressing crowds. This is something I do not understand about myself. I can sit in a classroom and not have a problem speaking up (mostly cracking wise), yet if I were to stand in front of that same class, I would have a hard time formulating a sentence. I had an English class in the fall of 2009, and I constantly spoke up from my desk:

Instructor: Who can tell me what is a pronoun?

Me: Someone in favor of nouns.

Instructor: Who can give an example of an incomplete sentence?

Me: A person on death row.

Instructor: When is it okay to use a slang?

Me: When you hurt your arm, you put it in a slang.

Yet, to stand in front of that class and read from scripted material, I unwillingly start doing a Don Knotts impersonation. Too many eyes on me at the same time. I am more comfortable being a sneak-attack smart-ass. In a recent history class, the instructor was asking the class why were the colonists revolting and I interjected, "Because they rarely took baths." Sometimes it feels like everyone is giving me set up lines.

I love to screw with people at fast food restaurants. When I pull up to the menu at Burger King, I order a Big Mac. They tell me they don't sell Big Macs. I ask if they will go to McDonald's and get me one. Of course I'm told that they don't do this, to which I point out that it's a "Special Order" and they advertise that "Special Orders" won't upset them. I've actually had employees check with their managers before turning me down. When that happens I change my order to a small cheese and pepperoni.