An Idea In the Rough (Stage One)

Two and a Half Women

Cast:
Marin Hinkle....................Judith
April Bowlby....................Kandi
Kelly Stables.................Melissa

Premise:
Judith takes her baby daughter and leaves behind her current husband, Herb, her ex-husband, Alan, and her son, Jake, to fend for themselves. She moves to Burbank to share an apartment with Kandi (Alan's ex-wife who is currently an actress on a hit TV crime drama) and Melissa (Alan's diminutive ex-girlfriend/receptionist, who is now a receptionist for a Famous Plastic Surgeon).

PILOT EPISODE

We fade-in to an empty living room, smartly decorated in a feminine manner. Stage right enters Kandi. She goes to the couch and starts searching under pillows. She calls out to her roommate.

KANDI
Has anyone seen my Corvette?

(Melissa enters stage left She pauses to watch Kandi searching the couch)

MELISSA
You're looking for your car in the sofa?

KANDI
No, silly, I'm looking for the keys.

MELISSA
You lost your car keys?

(Kandi holds her hand towards Melissa showing her keys)

KANDI
Nope. Here they are.

MELISSA
If you already have them, then what are you looking for?

KANDI
The keys for a Volkswagon.

MELISSA
Who has a Volkswagon?

KANDI
My makeup man, Tommy. He gave me the keys yesterday so I could get home.

(Melissa looks out the window)

MELISSA
There's a Camaro in the drive. No Volkswagon.

KANDI
Well, there better not be. The Volkswagon is still on the set.

MELISSA
Where is your car?

KANDI
That's what I want to know.

MELISSA
Then, why is there a Camaro in the drive?

KANDI (shrugs shoulders and sits on couch)
Because Tommy's keys didn't fit in the Volkswagon. They fit the Camaro.

MELISSA
What happened to your car?

KANDI (startled)
Something happened to my car?

MELISSA
Why are you driving the Camaro and not your Corvette?

KANDI
Because the keys fit. I thought I told you that.

MELISSA
Why aren't you driving your car?

KANDI
Oh. I forgot where I parked it. You think something that big would be easy to find. It's not.

MELISSA
So how did you end up with the Camaro?

KANDI
I told Tommy, my makeup man, that I forgot where I parked. He said that when he got off work, he would drive me around in his Volkswagon to find my Vette. I told him I would wait for him in his car.

MELISSA
So he gave you his keys?

KANDI
No. He was busy, but the keys were setting on the table by the door.

MELISSA
You took his keys without telling him?

KANDI
I told you, he was busy. It would have been rude to interrupt him. When I tried the keys in the Volkswagon, they wouldn't work. So I tried the Camaro parked next to it and the key fit. You think Tommy would know what kind of car he drives. I was so mad that he told me the wrong car, that I just drove home and went to bed.

MELISSA
Are you sure they were Tommy's keys? Who else works in your dressing room?

KANDI
Sheila the hair stylist.

MELISSA
What does Sheila drive?

KANDI
A Camaro, just like Tommy. (pause) Unless... Do you think Tommy uses Sheila's car?

MELISSA
Or you just took Sheila's car...

KANDI
And now I can't find the keys to Sheila or Tommy's car. This is not going well.

MELISSA
Who's keys are in your hand?

KANDI
Oh, these are mine. I just found them this morning in the refridgerator. I couldn't find them yesterday. I had to take a cab to work.

MELISSA
You took a cab to work yesterday?

KANDI
Uh-huh.

MELISSA
That's why you couldn't find your car on the lot. It wasn't there.

KANDI (a look of understanding then embarrassment)
Whoops...

MELISSA
Did you look in our garage for your Corvette.

KANDI
What for? I didn't have the keys.

(The front door opens and Judith carrying a baby enters)

JUDITH
Who's Camaro?

KANDI
We think its either Tommy's or Sheila's.

MELISSA
It's Sheila's

KANDI
Maybe

JUDITH
And we know these people, how?

MELISSA
They work on Kandi's set

JUDITH
Well, tell Tommy or Sheila not to leave their keys in their car.

KANDI
Yeah. That's always a bad idea.

MELISSA
I think she means that the keys you're looking for are still in the car.

KANDI
Oh... OH! Now, I can go to work. See you later. Bye.

(Kandi leaves through the front door)

MELISSA
It's amazing Kandi can keep a job.

JUDITH (sitting the baby into a high chair)
It's amazing Kandi can tie her shoes.

MELISSA
Even if she couldn't, men would love watching her try.

(There is an awkward silence. Judith and Melissa look down at their own chests.)

JUDITH (sullenly)
Must be nice.

MELISSA (sadly)
Yeppers.

ROLL OPENING CREDITS