Sunday, August 17, 2014

A Few Words About Robin

Robin Williams was our Jack-in-the-box.  He'd pop out all energetic to entertain us and we would laugh and laugh.  We never thought about the times between his appearances when he was back in the box all alone in the dark waiting to be called upon.  Reasons behind his death are being guessed.

Rob Schneider claims that Robin recently was diagnosed with Parkinson Disease and the medication to combat it has side effects that include suicide.   I gather Schneider is a pharmaceutical wiz.

My neighbor says that Robin was broke.  The ex-wives took all his money.  That can be depressing.  He must have been down to his last few million.

A few news articles stated that Robin was depressed because he was aging and his TV series was cancelled. It's harder to find work the older you get.

It has also been hinted that the current wife was withholding sex.  She last saw him at ten p.m. the night before his body was found.  Did they not share a bed?  They hadn't been married that long!

The truth is something we will never know.  But I guarantee you that very soon we be besieged by Robin William biographies who's authors will definitively declare Robin's last thoughts and reasons for his taking his life.  For examples of author audacity, try reading "The Lives of John Lennon" by Albert Goldman or "Wired: The Short Life and Fast Times of John Belushi" by Bob Woodward.  I can picture Clifford Irving typing out a tell-all book right this very minute.

If you don't know who Clifford Irving is, I am not going to tell you.  You will have to look him up on Wikipedia for yourself.

Next time, we shall discuss how Humphrey Bogart's death caused Lauren Bacall's fatal stroke.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The New Man

I have nothing to say, and yet, I am fearless enough to say it.

Anybody else wonder why the human race developed arms with hands instead of tentacles with suckers?  With tentacles, you could really wrap your limbs around your sweetie.

Yes, if it were up to me to redesign the human form, I would chose tentacles for arms, and wheels instead of feet.  Also, I would give humans a radar system, like bats have.  I would put a back-up stop in throats, like that on a gas pump, so once you ate a proper portion of food, you could not consume another bite until more energy was needed.  This would rid the planet of the heavy and the obese.  And the females will have four...  No, make that, six... Six breasts that encircle her rib cage.  After all, we men will want to use our long tentacles.  And on top our heads, we will have a propeller, like on a helicopter, so we can have hover and fly anywhere we wish. And inside our lungs we will have flora and fauna, so when we exude carbon dioxide, the flora and fauna will turn it back into oxygen.  Thus, we never will need a breathing tank in outer space or to swim deep underwater.  We can stay in space and underwater forever if we so desire, with our new head apparatus propelling us through the skies and the seas.  And our eye will emit a bright light on demand.  We could control our eyeball flashlights, so we never have to worry about being in the dark again.

Yes.  I would like to redesign the human form.  I would use a strong rubber for our bones.  That way, if we fell out of a tree, or got run over by a bus, we would not break.  We would flatten and bend before snapping back into shape.  And I would make our blood cherry flavored.  That way if you cut your finger, you'll have a tasty refreshment while waiting for the bleeding to stop.

If I could redesign the human form, aging would stop after twenty-five years.  Death would not be mandatory.  It would be merely an option.  The same as reincarnation would be an option.  If you chose, you could die and restart, either in the same body or that of something else.  Any and all past lives will be stored clearly in your memory, so you can learn from past mistakes.

If I redesign the human form, I would have a volume control in our ears.  We could increase the volume of the things we wish to listen to and mute out what we don't.  Both at the same time!  So you can completely mute out the wife while hearing the sportscaster announce that baseball or football game.  Your brain will record her words, so later, you can selectively scan them when she insists on quizzing you.

Yes.  I would like to redesign the human form.  How about you, any ideas for improvements?