Saturday, February 5, 2011

Recipe for Fun?

Time once again to enter a new post. As usual, I do not have a subject when starting to type. So I shall put some words together and see where it leads. "Casino" is on at the moment. How many movies do De Niro and Pesci star together in? That's Bobby and Joe for those of us who are on a first name basis. [I am going to act like they are close personal friends. I really doubt that they will read these words and rebuff me.] So back in the 1970s, I tell Marty (Martin Scorsese) that I have a couple of pretty good actors for his "Raging Bull" movie. Marty had used De Niro before, so he was alright with that suggestion. He hired Pesci on my word. Didn't even need a screen test. He liked the pairing so much he included them in "Goodfellows" and "Casino." When Bobby did the directing along with acting, he included Joe in "The Bronx Tale" and "The Good Shepherd." The five movies I mentioned are all the ones I can think of that had the pairing.

Anyway, I was hanging with Bobby at Sardi's when who should walk in, Diana Ross. She and Bobby had been an item many years back. I knew that, but I didn't know how they would relate to each other nowadays. Diane, upon seeing Bobby, picked up a vase and threw it at him. I guess they no longer get along. Bobby ducks and the vase shatters on the wall behind him. I happened to be wearing a new suede jacket at the time and the water that had been in the vase splashed all over me. I jump up and yell, "Dammit, Diane, this better not stain!"

As I am yelling, Bobby picks up the sorbet he had been eating and hurls at Diane. Everyone knows how hard it is to throw sorbet with any accuracy. The sorbet missed Diane and splatted on the back of Ernest Borgnine's head. Ernie had been eating dinner with his wife. He and his wife, surrounded by open boxes of wigs she is hawking, are outraged by the attack. (On a side note: Don't ever get cornered by Mrs. Borgnine. She's relentless. She won't leave you alone until you buy a wig.) Ernie feels the back of his head and tries to scoop the sorbet off. When he has a decent size clump of sorbet, hair, and hair gel in his hand, he stands up and addresses the room. "Who threw this?" he demanded.

A couple tables over was Kevin Bacon and his wife, Kyra Sedgwick. Both of them had seen everything occur and started laughing. Borgnine snarls at the couple and walks to their table. He splits the nasty clump into both hands and simultaneously pushes the glops into both their faces. "Laugh about that!" Ernie growls and finishes wiping his hands on their tablecloth.

Kevin and Kyra exchange knowing looks. They grab mashed potatoes and gravy off their plates and send it flying at Borgnine's back as he walks from their table. Mash potatoes and gravy have about the same percentage of accuracy as sorbet. Kyra does hit the corner of Borgnine's shoulder but the majority of her throw smacks Regis Philbin in the chest. Regis was sitting with Don Rickles. Rickles laughs at Regis and Regis throws a glass of tomato juice into Don's face.

Kevin Bacon's toss hit Diana Ross in the crotch. She looks down at the potato/gravy mess as it slides down her skirt. She glares around the room and states, "Oh, it's on now!" She grabs a fistful of rice pilaf from Mayor Bloomberg's plate startling him, and slings it across the dining room.

"Now that was uncalled for..." Bloomberg objects.

"Shut up, you little twit!" Diana retorts and shoves his face into his Chicken Cordon Bleu.

In the meantime Don Rickles had picked up his Porterhouse Steak (Charbroiled to a perfect medium rare) and is racing table to table using it to slap every patron he can.

Kevin and Kyra are scraping their plates for more ammunition. The only person left in the dining area without food or beverage on their person is Bobby De Niro. He is chuckling to himself as he sits unharmed as if in the eye of a hurricane. I decide to bow out of the food fight and retake my seat. I plop right down on a chocolate mousse. It squishes up between my legs. As I am making a face at the dessert, I get drenched with French Onion Soup courtesy of Sean Penn. I mouth the word "why" looking over at Sean. His head has about a foot and half of whipped cream piled on. He smiles and mouths back "why not."

Don Rickles slips on a Cobb salad that Ernie Borgnine has thrown under his feet. Don bowls over Diana Ross. She lands on him belly to belly. Rickles remarks "I got the black chick," and wraps his arms around her.

The Maitre 'D stands up on a table in the center of the room. He his yelling to get everyone's attention. The food fight stops as the patrons all look towards the head waiter. "Come on, everybody, let's stop this insanity..." Bobby blows him the raspberry and throws a dinner roll at him. The rest of the people take their cue from Bobby and start pelting the Maitre 'D with whatever food is handy. He jumps off the table and runs screaming out of the restaurant.

With the Maitre 'D gone, the celebrities quit throwing food. Everyone is laughing except for me. Bobby helps Diana Ross off Don Rickles. She smiles and thanks him. I did not enjoy the melee at all. I'm soaked in Soup with my pants all sticky from mousse. It is not one bit comfortable to walk around with chocolate mousse between your legs. It was obviously apparent that famous people can go wild on the spur of a moment without being phased by the consequences.

Bobby, still unscathed, announces to the crowd that he is picking up everybody's check. He gets a round of applause at this news. Well at least I got a free meal out the ruckus, even if most of it was being worn by others.

Next time I will share with you my experiences on the International Space Station. For some of you it may be over your head.

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