Friday, September 27, 2013

And I Said To Myself...

I will try writing on my Blog again.  Now I only need to think of a subject.
(Just type, John.  Something will occur to you.)
Great, now I'm talking to myself.
(No, you're not.  You're typing to yourself.)
Fine.  I'm typing to myself!
(You trying to be sarcastic?  You can't pull that off on the keyboard.  Just type without being a smartass.  Think you can do that?)
Hey.  You don't have to be so critical.  After all, you'll end up only insulting yourself.
(Look, if I'm not hard on you, then who will be?)
(Don't make me laugh.  She thinks you're Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut and Elmore Leonard all rolled up into one.)
Those are just a bunch of dead guys.
(You know what I mean...)
I doubt if Linda knows who Kurt Vonnegut was.  They didn't turn too many of his books into movies.
In fact, if it hasn't been printed on a store coupon, Linda hasn't read it.
(Whoa.  Ease up on Linda there.)
(I'm not the one who needs your apology.)
I'm not gonna say 'sorry' to Linda.  She doesn't know about any of this.  That'd be just causing trouble for no reason.
(Spineless bastard...)
Oh what, you're gonna shame me into apologizing to Linda?
(Feckless cur...)
(It's a word.  Look it up.)
I know it's a word.  I just didn't know I knew it.  Sometimes I amaze myself.
(You trying to change the subject?)
Okay, fine.  I'll go apologize to Linda.  If I'm not right back, then that means we had a fight and I went off to get drunk.

(Don't worry, Readers, John should be right back.)

(Anytime now...)

Friday, September 6, 2013

A Poor Excuse Is Better Than None

Is my hiatus complete?   It has been almost a year since my last post.  Should I apologize for my absence, or even concern myself over anyone missing me?  Is anybody curious on what has gone in my life since last posting?

The biggest event that happened is the passing of my closest friend.  We had been best of buds for over forty years.  Cancer ended his life last November.  Fortunately for him he died within a few months of diagnosis. He did not suffer a long drawn out death.  Gary, I miss you daily.

I celebrated my 60th birthday in February.  If I had been asked in my youth "would I make it to 60?"  I would have resounded loudly "No way!  Who would even want to?"   As you may have guessed, I do not share the same opinion today.  Now, 75 seems to be a reasonable age to achieve before even thinking of a possible end date.

This past June was the end of my affiliation with Wowway.  They raised my phone/TV cable/internet rate for the last time.  I have two televisions, one in the bedroom, the other in the living room.  The bedroom TV is where I had the main service box connected.   The living room I had a converter for capturing the signal.  The bedroom did not need a converter box.  It never did.  When I returned the equipment, Wowway wanted two converter boxes.  I only ever had one.  The main service box was all that was required in the bedroom, thus only one converter box was all that was needed for my sole other television.  I never had a second converter box, nor did I ever request a spare converter box.  I tried explaining this to Wowway, but they claimed I had two and they wanted the return of the second non-existing converter box.  Anyway, they are trying to bill me $200 for a device that I never received, never requested, and never needed.  Can you see why I quit my Wowway service.  I now have ATT U-Verse for half the price with twice as many bells and whistles.

Before I end this, I shall try to come up with a joke or amusing anecdote for you.  Let me think on this...

Hear's a joke about grave robbing.   There were these two goons, Bad Bob and Jimmy the Gent, that thought they could make some big bucks by digging a famous person from their grave, contact the surviving family members and hold the corpse for ransom.  Bad Bob suggested Elvis to be the corpse and Priscilla the family member.  Jimmy the Gent agreed on Elvis but thought Lisa Marie would make the better target.  After all, Priscilla stopped being the wife and divorced Elvis, whereas Lisa Marie remained Elvis' daughter throughout her entire life.  Bad Bob gave in.  Elvis would be the corpse and Lisa Marie the ransom provider.  So within the following weeks, Bob and Jimmy made their way to Graceland and selected a perfect night for the abduction.  It was a Wednesday night and at midnight, the crypt was dark as Jimmy and Bob's souls.  Bad Bob unearthed Elvis' casket and Jimmy the Gent inserted a crowbar into the lid and began prying it open.  Barely a crack open and light emitted from inside.  Bob assisted Jimmy and together flung the lid up.  Inside was Elvis.  He was surrounded by paper after paper of sheet music.  Elvis had a giant eraser in his hand and was obliterating all the notes and words on the pages.  Elvis turned towards Bob and Jimmy, and in an angry outburst exclaimed, "Damn it!  Shut the lid!  Can't you see I'm decomposing!"