Friday, June 17, 2011

Road Restraints

I am convinced that there is a network of drivers on the road with the sole purpose of delaying me in traffic.  This network consists of the elderly who move slowly in front of whatever lane I drive and the teenagers who pull alongside me and blast bass vibrations to shatter my windshield and eardrums.  The elderly make sure I catch every light and the teenagers pull right along side with their bombastic noise.  Even with my hands pressed firmly over my ears, the bass beat vibrates my head to the point of bringing tears.   As I wait for the light to change, so I can escape this torture, I see that all lanes are clear sailing.  Then right before the light changes, another elderly putz turns from the cross street into my lane.  The light will change and the teenager keeps pace with me, ensuring that I cannot pass the old people.  When I am fully established behind the elderly, the teens zoom off and all the other traffic in that lane speeds up.  It is impossible to get over since I am traveling at five mph and the lane I wish to be in is going fifty mph with no breaks in between cars.  If by some miracle I do manage to switch lanes, another old fart will magically appear creeping along in front of me and the slow driver I had just passed will find his gas peddle to accelerate off into the distance.

Semi-truck drivers are also in on this conspiracy.  Anytime a road has been merged down into one lane, I can guarantee that even at three in the morning if there are only two vehicles on the road, they will be me and an eighteen wheeler that cannot get out of first gear.  Guess who's in front.

Of course this network does not confine their assaults to the open road.  They also find me in parking lots.  At first they will trick me into thinking parking spots are available close to the buildings, and right before I get there, one of them will slide into the spot.  When I finally find a spot at the back of the lot, and I leave my vehicle, the network will commandeer the spots on both sides of my car.  When I return I find my car straddled like a hot dog in its bun.  I will wait for one of them to return and move their vehicle.  It does not happen and, frustrated, I decide to access my car another way.   One direct method is having me squeeze through my door, usually leaving several layers of skin on the door frame.  Or sometimes, when I don't care how much I tear and soil my clothes, I will go through the trunk into the back seat and over the headrests to take my place behind the wheel.  Whenever I complete one of these entrances, as soon as I am ready to start my car, the drivers of the cars on both my sides will mysteriously appear and drive off.  I know these people were watching, waiting for me to make an unorthodox maneuver to claim my driver's seat, before showing themselves.  They always leave me with the feeling "if I had only waited another two minutes."

Another trick the network pulls on me, is relocating my car when I park in a large lot.  I am not sure how they do this, unless they have duplicate keys, but I will park by post A-14 and when I return, I spend countless time looking for my car before discovering it at HH-29.  I may be wrong about them moving my vehicle.  It may be that they take down, shuffle the "Lot Markers" and replace them in any willy nilly order.

The whole point of this post is to state that I am aware of the "Irritate John When He Is Driving Network" and if you are a member, I want this nonsense to stop.  It is not funny.  It never was and never will be. So stop it!

1 comment:

  1. The Eight teen wheelers that drive by my house usually drive really fast and shake our windows. I'm usually the one slowing them down! Lol!