Sunday, December 12, 2010

Do It Yourself

Another exciting day over.  A fascinating night commences.  Don't I wish that were true.

My day started off with bacon and eggs.  Then back to the TV.   Until I started watching DIY (the home improvement network), I had never realized how many female contractors there are.  It has to be harder for women to become a licensed contractors than men.  Apparently, if you're female, one of the requirements for certification is good looks.  No such mandate for the  males.  Any ugly guy can install toilets and kitchen cabinets. In separate rooms, of course.  But it takes a women of beauty to shingle a roof or build a deck  Shapely legs and ample bosom doesn't hurt either.

One of my favorite shows on DIY is "10 Grand in Hand."  This is a show about home owners that are doing their own labor on their home renovation.  The host of this show tells us what the home owners are doing wrong.  "Looks like Bob is about use the wrong tool on their marble counter top.  It'll shatter and he'll have buy another one.  Doesn't seem like Bob and Mary are gonna save money on this project after all."  Don't tell us, tell the idiot with the chisel!  He's watching the guy and doesn't give a clue to the mistake about to be made.  This is a very sadistic person.  He would have made a great commandant for a concentration camp.  If you enjoy watching America's Funniest Videos with guys getting whacked in the crotch or people falling on their ass or getting bopped in the head (...and who doesn't?), you will enjoy "10 Grand in Hand."  There's a little schadenfreude in each

Then there is Vanilla Ice, a guy with enough tattoos to be a carny sideshow attraction.  He claims to be a hip-hop star of yesteryear.  That's probably why I never heard of him.  I hate hip-hop.  I have no idea what rap music has to do with bunnies, but I find the noise emitted to be dreadful.  Anyways, this Vanilla Ice guy is a licensed contractor (I guess that hip-hop thing didn't work out) and now he has a show on DIY.  I like when he's talking with his work crew.  It's like a roomful of Don Rickles' trying to out-zing each other.  It's amazing these guys remain friends, let alone get anything done.

Last of all, DIY has a little blond bombshell with a Munchkin voice.  She's from Detroit, but has left for greener grounds in Wisconsin.  As she describes the renovations she's planning, I half expect her to break out singing The Merry Old Land of Oz.  "Ha, ha, ha... ho, ho, ho... and a couple of tra la las..."   Above all, this little gal really wants us to know how close to bankruptcy she is.  She mentions this at least twice each episode.  If she doesn't turn this house around in the next two weeks, she'll be out of business.  So it is safe to conclude that the DIY network doesn't pay their show's hosts very well.

If watching DIY has taught me anything, it's that the next time I need home improvement, I should hire a female contractor.  They're gorgeous.

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