Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Cape Fear

You may not believe this but in my entire life I have never owned a cape.  In fact, I don't think I have met anyone that owned a cape.  If I wanted to purchase a cape, I wouldn't know which department at Sear's carries them.  Or would I have to go to a specialty shop, some place like "Capes 'R Us" or "Cape-Mart?"

It's not like I want to go around wearing a cape, but it would be nice to know I had one on hand in case of an emergency.  Who knows when I might be called upon to take the lead in "Phantom of the Opera."  Or I may be in England some day and Scotland Yard may ask my assistance to find Moriarty.  A deerstalker hat is easy to find on a moment's notice, but a cape...  Or if Scarlet O'Hara calls on me to escort her to a cotillion.  (I've never escorted a debutante to a cotillion but I know you need a top hat, cape and cane.)

So I live in constant fear of being invited to an event that requires a cape.  I know I could always rent a Superman suit just for the cape.  But how would that look; a black tuxedo with a red cape baring a giant yellow "S?"  That would not be the way to go to a high society event such as the Millionaire's Ball.

And what about spats?  Where on earth can I find a pair of spats?  Spats can fancy up any pair of shoes, and I am spatless.  Oh, the shame.

Thinking about it, I also lack a top hat and cane.  Although I do have an old pair of crutches. I don't think one crutch is the same as a wolf head cane.  This is horrible the fineries I do not possess.

You may be wondering why I am thinking about wearing fancy duds.  The reason is a high school reunion.  A forty year reunion that is happening in about a month or so.  A forty year reunion is at the half way mark.  All the years before this, if you ran into an ex-classmate, you would say "Guess who died?"  And you would go through all the people from your class that are no longer alive.  After forty years, if you run into an ex-school-chum, you would say "Guess who's still with us?" and then discuss the ones remaining.  You always go with the short list.

On more occasions than I care to recall, I have been greeted by shocked faces stating, "John, I heard that you had died."  To which my standard reply has been, "Yes, I did.  I didn't like it, so I came back."

Well, I best prepare for this "ruby" anniversary.  I have less than two months to make something of myself; to get a respected career and lose about 50 pounds.  Maybe I'll just buy some fancy clothes and pretend.  Do they make girdles for men?  Oh, well, like that old saying goes, "Fake it 'til you make it."

In the meantime, if anyone knows where to get a good cape for cheap, let me know.


  1. You made me Want to laugh :D ..I don't really know where to get a good cape for cheap :)

  2. I once saw a store in the mall that was full of capes, and other such dramatics. It seemed to be a store for the young club hoppers, that like to dress up like their favorite music video. I fell in love with the stuff, but had to walk away because I couldn't think of a single reason to wear such a thing.

  3. Perhaps you'll have to have it specially made. If so I know a few people who sew. This would give you great freedom in the material used. You don't want a shabby cape. That's the worst!

  4. You had me laughing about the cape and cane/crutches, but when I came to the statement "John, I heard that you had died" that has me on the floor. By the way, I think I said "All these years I thought you had died"

  5. By the way, when I was a kid I would take a blanket and use it as a cape. Perhaps that could work for you.

  6. I went to a local festival in our town a few years ago and there was a vender selling beautiful hand carved canes. There was one with a wolf head for the handle. Too bad it was too expensive because I would have loved to get that for my husband. As for the cape, maybe if you go into a store that specializes in Harry potter apparel.