Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Gravity of the Situation

I've been practicing my telekinesis.  Its a lot harder than I thought.  I only use small objects like paper clips and bottle caps.  As I concentrate, the objects shake ever so slightly but so far I haven't made them defy gravity.

I just thought of something the government doesn't tax.  Gravity!  You can use all the gravity available and not pay a penny.  And lately, I've been using a fair share of the stuff.  Ever since I quit smoking 8 1/2 years ago, my gravity consumption has been on the upswing.  I'd hate to imagine the government pounding on my door and demanding payment for past gravity use.

Here's a wild thing that is true.  If you successfully rob a bank, the government can lock you up for not paying taxes on the loot.  And the IRS is nobody to screw around with.  Just ask Wesley Snipes or Richard Hatch.  From Al Capone to Al Pacino, the IRS goes after everyone.  Al Pacino is latest entry in the IRS's list of tax evaders.  One of my favorite tax stories is Joe Louis, the heavy-weight championship boxer of the thirties and forties.  During WWII, Joe Louis donated all his winnings to the war effort.  After the war, the IRS comes up to Joe and says "Where is our money?"  Joe is confused.  What money?  The tax money from all the fights during the war!  Well, he gave that to the government.  Yes, but he did not give the IRS a share.  It was still considered income and they declared that he owed back taxes.  A lot more than he had or could come up with.  Poor Joe winded up being a Greeter at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas just to pay off the debt.

Joe wasn't the only one this happened to.  Abbott and Costello found themselves in a similar situation.  They spent the war years donating their talents and income to USO shows and other benefits for the war effort.  The IRS wanted a cut out of those donations also. Bud and Lou went on the radio and asked the public to help them out by sending in a few bucks.  The FCC got involved at this point.  They deemed it illegal to ask for donations for themselves.  If they would have formed a charity, they could have asked for money for that charity.  Nobody told them this, so it never happened.  Whatever money was sent in on their behest was returned immediately.  In the end the IRS ended up selling off Bud and Lou's houses, furnishings, cars and other acquisitions.  Lou Costello died a pauper, but Bud Abbott lived a couple decades longer and died without debt.  If you ever saw Abbott and Costello cartoons that were made in the 60's, the voice of Abbott was indeed Abbott.  This is how he got out of the red and into the black.

Well, back to my notion about a gravity tax.  If you know an IRS agent, please, and I stress "PLEASE" do not tell them about it.  I'm certain that sooner or later, they will get around to figuring a way to tax it without any help from me or you.

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