Thursday, March 11, 2010

An Aging Joke

Boy this life is just speeding by. I remember 1995 like it was yesterday. That was fifteen years ago. Fifteen years from now, I'll be in my 70's. The reason I bring up 1995 is because I just saw a movie on tv called "Heat" starring Robert De Niro. It was made in 95 and I saw it in the theater when it was released. It feels like only 5 or 6 years ago, yet it has been fifteen. I still remember how loud it was, sitting in the show, when they have the big shoot-out. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to find I have hearing problems because of it.

I do have trouble hearing. When I am not concentrating on the speaker, I tend to mix up what is being said. Linda will say to me "Do you want to go out, honey?" and I hear "Do you want a colonoscopy?" Linda is the lady I have been cohabitating with for almost 20 years. There are pictures of us when we were young, thin, and healthy. It feels like the pictures were taken recently, but in reality, today's Playboy centerfolds are not as old as those photos. To be a centerfold you must be born on or before today's date in 1992. Being a stacked female also helps.

One of my favorite expressions about aging is: "Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end, the faster it goes."

You will have to forgive me on my talk of aging. I have never been this age before. It is a new discovery to me. The only thing I know for certain is that this moment will soon be history. In fact all time will become history. And you can't change history. That must mean you can't change the future. My life is a roller coaster ride; up and down, scary and exhillerating. I know it will end, but I hope its one of the longest rides on the planet. Which reminds me of a joke.

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor, "You know my wife passed away 2 years ago?"
says the doctor.
"Well, after she died, I was lonely as hell. I started going out to bars. Every night I would try a different saloon, and one night I ended up in a strip club. Those places have the most wonderful young ladies you should ever hope to meet. And I met one. I met one of the dancers there, and we started going out."
The doctor says, "Really? Tell me more."
The old man continues, "Well, I know she was only interested in my money. I saved quite a bit over my lifetime. But I didn't care, I enjoyed being with her. Besides, you can't take money with you."
the doctor prompted.
"One thing led to another, and soon we flew off to Vegas and got married. She is beautiful to behold. I thought just having her marry me would be a miracle, I didn't expect anything more than just a companion. Well, it turns out that she has a sexual appetite thats insatiable. For the last year, she's been ripping my clothes off twice a day and having her way with me."
The doctor says, "Did she give you a S.T.D.?"
"No! She's got a clean bill of health."
"Did she hurt your back?"
"No... She usually takes the top. After all she's only 22 and I'm 90."
"Okay, then why are you telling me all this?"
the doctor asks.
The old man replies, "Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

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