Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Spring Madness

Spring sprung Saturday last and a dark overcast crept upon us. It has been dreary outside until today. The sky drizzle has ceased and its shadowy clouds have parted. So be it the 4th day of Spring, today is the first day of the lamb.

I wonder why they (whoever they are) chose lions and lambs as metaphors for March. Couldn't we say, "March comes in like a drunken sailor, and out like a flower child," or "March comes in like a strip club bouncer and out like a sleeping ballerina?" Then again, March does not always have only two weathers. To be more accurate we should say, "March comes in like dandruff, cries a little while, slams into a wall, does an Irish jig, takes a nap, drinks an energizer drink like Red Bull, and ends up sitting in front of a heat lamp."

A lot of sayings are outright stupid. The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Wrong! It's through his rib cage. Ask any heart surgeon. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. How would you put on its feed bag? A penny saved is a penny earned. I find pennies all the time. They give them away at check out counters. Who the hell saves pennies? And if the work you do only earns you a penny, then you better find another job. Curiosity killed the cat. All my life I've seen cats being curious. Not one dropped dead from this. Don't count your chickens before they hatch. If they're not hatched then they are eggs. How can you count something that doesn't exist? It's like asking how many ducks don't you see. Don't put your all your eggs in one basket. I don't know about you, but all my eggs are in the refridgerator.

What about Spring fever? What happens if its not treated? Will those men become perpetual targets for ring toss? Will those women be forever test driving washers and driers?

That's enough blattering for now. Next month we will cover showers.

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