Dog Nab It

Why does my dog get to decide when it is time to play? She'll flop her head in my lap with her chew toy in her mouth. I am suppose to wrestle this soggy bit of doggy doll from her and when I finally succeed, I am to throw it down the hallway where she will retrieve it and place it back in my lap to repeat the process.

On the other hand, if I was to pick up her toy, wave it at her to get her attention, and then throw it down the hall, she will look at me as if I have lost my mind. "You threw it. You go get it!"

But when she is in control, if I was to ignore her the way she ignores me, then she will waggle the toy in my lap as hard as she possibly can. Needless to say, a man's lap is no place to have a toy waggled. I am forced to comply to her demands. Yet I am the supposed master.

At least I know my dog's limitations. Linda, on the other hand, does not. She will have long heart to heart talks with the dog. She will instruct Roxy (our dog) that it is not nice to try to jump through the front window and attack the mail lady. Linda will go on about how nice the mail lady is and how she will leave treats for Roxy. Roxy stares at Linda as though she understands every word being said. Linda will talk to Roxy for hours. I know the only words Roxy understands are "Go for a walk," "look in your bowl," and "Sit." The word "Sit" only works on Roxy if you are holding a piece of food that she wants.

Another trick that Roxy loves to do is to grab something she shouldn't and play keep-away. She somehow manages to snatch change up, pennies and dimes, and show us that she has the coins in her mouth. As soon as we try to retrieve them, she shuts her mouth tight. We will try to force her jaws open to no avail. When we finally give up trying to pull her mouth open, she sits back and shows us that the coins are still on her tongue. Once again we lunge at her, and she snaps her jowls shut. The only way to get Roxy to relinquish the coins is by offering her a treat. She will drop the money in an instant for a piece of ham or turkey. In a way it's like payment. "Okay, here's seven cents for the slice of ham."

The last thing I want to mention about our dog is something that Linda finds hilarious and I find disgusting. Periodically, Roxy will sneak up on me, use her front legs to grab my shoulder, and try to hump my arm. Naturally, this is when I am laying down watching TV. Roxy could not reach my shoulder if I was standing up. Roxy is only a foot and half tall. Still, when I am laying down and she tries to mount me, Linda finds this funnier than all the Abbott and Costello movies combined. "Who's on first?" "Well, Roxy's trying to get on first." What I really don't understand is that Roxy is a female and she has been fixed, so what's with the humping? This is like fishing in the bathtub. You may be doing something, but there is no way you're getting anything.