Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Bicycle Blues

I am the first to admit that I am not physically fit. I quit cigarettes eight years ago. To some that amount of time seems trivial. To others, an eternity. I haven't craved a cigarette in 3 or 4 years. Instead I crave hamburgers, tacos, pizzas, french fries, baked potatoes with sour cream and butter, KFC, BK, Micky D, Lil' C, fast food, slow food, and food that goes at normal speeds. Thus my old slender self vanished with the last of my cigarettes. And now, before shuffling off this old mortal coil, I have decided to regain my youthful physique.

I loathe exercise; lifting weights, calisthenics, aerobics, et cetera. Yet I did find an exercise that is not totally abhorring. This miracle weight reducing system I have rediscovered is riding a bicycle. They (whoever they may be) use the expression "it's like riding a bicycle." This supposedly means that once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. This is an outright lie. As a boy I could glide along on my bike, hands free at my side, turn by shifting my balance, and stop on a dime and have nine cents change. Today, I am sideswiping parked cars, houses, telephone poles, and all stationary objects along my route. My balance is constantly being corrected. I imagine people seeing me either coming or going would think I am some new form of mobile paint mixer. And my stopping technique today is dragging my feet and slamming the front wheel into a building. My stops are always accompanied by a vocal "Oh, shit!"

But press on I continue. I have gone from circling the block to circling the neighborhood. Soon I shall be circling the city. I traverse by bike every other day, and every new ride includes an additional block of distance. I do not know if I am losing weight for I have no scale in my home. I threw the last lying bastard out and have since to replace it. The only time I am weighed is at the doctors office and I believe that scale also has a knack for telling falsehoods. Yet there are days that I feel lighter. Perhaps if I were to replace my blood with helium, then the scales would register true.

The whole reason I have been talking about this is because I have just returned from my bicycling and it is fresh on my mind. I estimate that I have just covered five and half miles. I know I must have lost at least ten or fifteen pounds. I think I will reward myself with a banana split.

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