Friday, April 30, 2010


Last day of the month of April. Last day of showers. Tomorrow the flowers begin. (Let me be clear about the shower part. I am referring to rain, not personal hygiene.) The months are flying off the calender. If I could have my way, I would stop time. I do not find aging fun. In fact, if I had my way, I would reverse time about 20 years. Sorry, those of you who are teenagers or younger, prepare to re-enter the womb. I should also apologize to you mothers who will be getting your children back. I hope it hurts less on the return trip.

Here's an awful statement that is true. I owe my life to Adolph Hitler. Please, bare with me as I explain. In 1941, my mother was married to her first husband. In 1941, my father was engaged to someone other than my mother. Then Pearl Harbor happened and Roosevelt declared war on Japan. A few weeks later, he declared war on Germany. If Germany hadn't been causing such a ruckus in Europe, then Japan would never have had the nerve to attack us. Anyway, Adolph started the whole kibosh. So we went to war. My mother's husband became an bombardier in the air force. My father became a foot soldier in the army. He footed all over the place; Africa, Italy, France and Germany. He footed so much that today my feet still hurt. Meanwhile in the skies over Germany, my mother's husband's plane is the first to arrive at it's crash site. Mom is suddenly a widow. Okay, the war ends and dad comes back home. Oh oh, his fiance married someone else while he was away. Add a year or so, and mom meets dad. For lack of other obligations, they get married and produce me. This is why I have to be grateful to Adolph Hitler. If not for him and his megalomania, I would not exist.

So let's go back to this time reversal idea of mine. We are now reliving 1990. (Unless you are one those who become unborn.) We know what is in store for us, so many things we can prevent. We will be waiting in Oklahoma City for McVeigh to pull up in his fertilizer truck. We will be at the airports to tackle those terrorists before they board the planes. We make sure Florida knows how to properly punch a voting ticket. But not only do we stop the bad things, we can take advantage of the good. Imagine buying stock in Microsoft before Windows 95 hits the market. How about getting on the ground floor of Google. Put some money in Pixar before they release Toy Story. Don't forget about all the Superbowl bets you will win. Yes, I think reversing time 20 years is something we should have our scientists work on immediately.

(Unable to come up with a strong closing statement. Feel free to insert your own right here.)

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